Do you fuel unhealthy relationships?

I have to warn you, when you become familiar with the Drama Triangle, and decide to stay off it, you may experience a never before imagined level of zen......

Understanding Karpman's Drama Triangle absolutely changed my appetite for drama. Every time I identified myself on the triangle I quickly reassessed my involvement in that particular scenario and put myself back into 'Adult' mode. Consider the last difficult interaction you had with another person. What was difficult about it? Now ask yourself if you took on any of these roles:

Victim - I'm Blameless! Poor Me!

• Feeling that things are happening to you and you have no control or influence over the situation.

• Often feeling shame and guilt and projecting this onto many situations.

(Note taking on this role is a choice as opposed to being an actual victim!) Persecutor - I'm Right! It's all your Fault!

• You tend to blame, control and criticise.

• Feeling superior and angry at an individual.

Rescuer - I'm Good! Let me Help You!

• You are there to save someone.

• You have all the power and the other person has none.

• You enable rather than empower and prefer to swoop in and fix rather than offer ongoing support.

Drama unfolds when individuals who are prepositioned to take on the Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer role come together over an issue. These roles are irresponsible and unhealthy but confusingly satisfying at times.

As a Persecutor you blame the other person entirely for a situation and blaming can release dopamine in our brain so you transfer responsibility while also getting a rush of a feel good hormone! Naturally it's a hard habit to break.

As a victim we can also avoid responsibility because we have done nothing wrong! This happens to all of us at some point in our lives, we are a victim to an impact in a moment but choosing to be victim when relationships are difficult, or when you are not entirely helpless in a situation, is a choice. Why choose it? Because again by shifting all blame elsewhere we can enjoy a dopamine rush but also step back and commit less energy than it takes to be accountable.

And then there's a Rescuer. Why do it? Self-esteem....... I must be a good person because I did x, y and z right? When we're the rescuer we give more than is reasonable to a situation, potentially even harming important parts of our own life to feel like we are saving someone else. The person may not have even asked for help but we assume they are lonely, sad, helpless or in some (imaginary) way in danger and we want to fix that. Giving too much of ourselves in these situations also helps us explain why we are not accomplishing what we had wanted to in our own lives.

So what can you do?

• Refuse to be superior or inferior

• Be open and be fair in the situation

• Be aware of any predisposition you have to taking on the Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim role

• Be honest with yourself, what is really happening and what makes you think that?

• Get to know yourself, a good Coach can help!